Saturday, March 29, 2014

Hello Anxiety my Old Friend

Hello Anxiety my old friend... I've come to talk with you again....

I will tell you the truth.. I live in a constant state of anxiety.  This is not unusual for me.  I can start to black out fore stress and still hide my anxiety so well mental health professionals cant tell.  Do you know the sound of your beating heart?  No?  Why?  Because it is always there, your mind filters it out.  Most of the time I don't know the feeling of my anxiety, I filter it out, disconnect from it, feel that it is normal.  But stress is stress and ignoring my anxiety does not save my body from the side effects of living in anxiety.  I have not admitted this before... Because admitting it somehow further invalidate me and made me crazy and unreasonable.  It is impossible for me to tell you how ingrained that fact is for me... Let me just tell you that my head is dizzy, my vision is blurred, my feet ache from tingling, my hands ache, my eyes are sensitive.... And now.. Now I am dozing off, because a body can only take so much anxiety before it needs to recover... I have always hid this anxiety.. but hiding does not really describe it.  Since my parents never acknowledge anything about the abuse it meant to me that I was making up my symptoms.  I ignored them.  But they did not go away, they only became more entrenched.  Believe me I have tried all the trite suggestions you will come up whit... 

Anyways, I don't sleep... I sit and run through every possible thing that I feel threatened by.  I pray to the Lord to take my anxieties... He is willing.. But I am not... I cling to them, believing that I alone can cave me from tragedy again, and only if I am hyper vigilant.  

I am in and out of dosing.. who knows if this makes sense.... Maybe I can sleep now.

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