Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Afraid of my Inner Child

I just read several blog post about inner children.

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe by Patricia Singleton

And she lead me to the other two.

‘The Strong One’ By Kate Swift

Memories Still Do Hurt By Mary Graziano

At the end I feel pain.  Pain for my lost inner child.  It was never safe to talk to or get to know my inner child.  I have looked at her memories, and her experiences.  But I have never gotten to know her.  And I find I still don't want to.  I want to block her off, move on without her.  Why am I so afraid of a little girl?  You know why?  Because I believed that little girl was crazy, and I don't want to be crazy.  Being crazy in my world meant you needed to end your life to make the world a better place.  I cant reconnect with someone who is crazy.  It is better to keep her, my inner child at a distance, and stay sane.  That is what I think, when I think of the little girl that was Jean.  And... I don't want to know any more.. I already know little Jean was molested, raped, mentally abused, assaulted, spiritually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, sexually abused from infancy to adulthood.  I have already looked at and learned so much.  But I don't want to be crazy.  I want to move on. I want to leave little inner Jean, and move on without her.

Here are the songs of my youth that tell me a bit about who Jean was as a teen.

The truth I was hiding about my lifetime of abuse.

This song is about my belief that I can do something small to cause everything around me to fall apart... like it did when I was 13 and tried to fight against my abusing father.

The confusion one feels  when the abuser wins, and everyone trusts the abuser and distrusts you as a victim.

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