Friday, March 7, 2014

Childhood Development in the Backwards Bubble of an Abusive Home

Start with the blank canvas of a child's mind... Add in chaos, broken rules and self confirming false realities... Isolate the child from normal.. tell the child this is normal... this is in fact the good life... Tell the child that all that is upside down, abusive, chaotic, and bad around them is right and good.. Tell the child that the real problem is the child, if the child disagrees with the upside down world that is because the child is the one who misunderstands... Treat the child as messed up, confused, crazy, unreliable.  Treat any truth the child finds that tells him his world is upside down as something to fear and avoid... Blame the chaos on the child.. tell the child that they caused all the problems in life, they are the source.  Flip reality where the parents are the victims. Where the parents feel mistreated by the child.  Where everything the parents do is right and correct and the everything the child does is wrong and bad.... Where do you think this leaves the child?  

My story was featured on Trish Kaye Lleone's blog.  JEAN MARIE: “MY FATHER WAS A PEDOPHILE” Here is a snipit of my story.

Who was I as a little girl?  I was curious, playful , joyful, innocent.  But who I was was greatly effected by where I was.  Where was I as a little girl?  I was in a prison of an abusive house. I drew a picture of my house as a little girl, it was black, dark and unfriendly.  This is where I lived. 
 My world was upside down and backwards... But it was the only world I knew.. I was told by my parents my world was a good world.  My parents tried so hard to put on airs of the good family living the good life... Everyone around believed the airs... I knew nothing different, I was a child that came to them with a blank canvas of a mind.  I believed this was the good life, this was normal...  Let me give you a peek into one of the moments my world was flipped upside down the most.
This is about my father.  My father was a pedophile.  I believe he started molesting me as a baby.   I know he raped me as a seven year old several times and molested me as a teenager.
My brain was protected from the rapes.  I remember before the rape my dad coming into my room and giving me the impression that we were to be married.  I remember that this challenged all my views of the world and right and wrong. I had allot of questions about how that could be possible.  But I could not ask my questions, he was in a position of authority and asking them would be disrespectful  As a child I had no ground to stand on.  I believed my father was the authority in the situation, I believed he was right.  I did not challenge him. I challenged myself.  I rewrote my rules of the world to include the fact that fathers can have a marriage like relationship with their daughter.

The child's mind has a unique way that it process things.. It is not like an adult at all.  Children "learn" new things by watching the world around then, and watching how things interact with each other.   Children lean and rely on trusted authority figures to help guide them and direct them.  What happens to the child when they are surrounded by lies, as their brain is building the structure by which the child will see and judge the world?  What happens to a child's brain if their trusted authority figures have no interest in caring for the child, but instead are only interested in using and abusing the child?  How easy is it to train a child to cover up the adults problems?

I needed someone to comfort me, to show me love, and tell me it would be OK.  My dad happily steps into this role.  We talk for long hours on the couch, as he pretends to be my therapist.  I tell him teenage sorrow after sorrow.  According to him everything going wrong or bad in my life had one source, my mom.  As I pored out my problems to him he taught me how every one of these problems came from my mother.  Every conversation, no matter where it started at, always got wrapped around to talking about how my mother messed me up so bad.  In this way my fake “counselor father” taught me how to blame my mother for everything.  He taught me that I was horribly mistreated by my mother.  The conversations continued until I had been fully won over and I could see for myself how my mother was the cause of all of my problems.

How easy is it to take over a child's mind.  Mold it and make it into what ever enables the parents upside down world?
My father was my hero.  My idol.   My therapist My leader.  I went to him with every problem I ever had in my life, and he told me exactly what to do.  I lived a life for pleasing him.  I lived to become the person he wanted me to be.
I have been asking the question to you, the reader, of what happens.. But I know what happens.. What happens is the adult produced by such an environment is guilt ridden, hyper vigilant, self blaming, and self loathing. They do not blame their parents for the abuse.  They blame themselves.  This self blame, self loathing, guilt was programmed into the child in his formative years, and confirmed over and over again to the child in millions of ways.  It is a very strong truth to the child.  Because of this it becomes like a monolithic building of shame and doubt that is very difficult to overcome, and is more believed and trusted then almost anything else...  You may tell the recovering survivor that they are not to blame, that it was not their fault, that the guilt does not belong to them.. And they may feel relieved from the guilt and thank you for telling them that... But your message only went into their brain once, and only as an adult.  Programs in the brain are given highest priority if they were programmed as a child.  Also the more often the program is ran through the brain the stronger it becomes.  The child has lived in a reality where continuously day after day for all their life they felt worthless, shameful, and bad.  Telling them one time will not remove this programming.  This may in fact be one of the most significant hurdles they will have to overcome in healing.

Today I have been through four years of therapy.  I know, I know for a SOLID fact that I did not cause the abuse, that it was not fault, that I am not guilty... While I know that 100%... Sometimes, often, I still feel that I am.  I have been working on deprogramming this a long time.  And I am stronger. And I get stuck in self blame and self loathing less.  I feel empowered and strong more often.  I know I was abused.. But still. Still.. There lingers these remaining feelings, that were programmed into me, by my upside down world.  It is my rock to push against.  So I push.  Everyday the ingrained negative emotions of my youth become less.... but they are still there...