Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Nothing I Do Will Remove Brutality From My Past

The fact is I was Brutally raped over and over as a seven year old girl.  I should have been outside playing, giggling, having fun.  But instead I violently raped over and over.  Square that for me?  Make that into some pretty little picture that I can just smile and move on from?  If you can square that it is only because you did not live it.  It is only because the reality of that nightmare of that does not haunt you constantly.

I am sick of this plastic world.  I am sick of the plastic face.  I am sick of being good, looking good and hiding my hurt and pain.  The world can not handle the fact that I was brutally raped over and over continuously and I am suppose to just handle it? I guarantee that most people I know would want to shut off and not hear about the nightmare, they will then turn to me and tell me to just move on... well ain't it a pretty little package for them if I can move on... but  I cant.... because when I move it comes with me.

I do not know what it is like to  not be constantly afraid of the world.... I was never allowed to live in that reality... I  don't know what it is like to  not live in constant pain... I was never allowed that reality....

But hey, if you can move on do... and don't let me inconvenience you and your little world... I just keep pretending and living this life that is a walking death... or living this life that is a walking battle zone... or living life as a little girl curled up in fear... or pain.. or I don't even know what.. because some pains are too  big to really tell....

I hurt... that is real.. and either you can handle it or you cant... but weather or  not you can handle it... that does not change the fact that I hurt....

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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Diversity, Compassion and Enoch's City of Zion

We are called to be like Enoch's Zion (little factoid, Enoch's city was not called "The City of Enoch".  Cain had a descendant that was named Enoch, and it was Canes descendant that called his city "The City of Enoch."  The prophet Enoch from the Bible named his city Zion.  So it is more correct to refer to the prophet Enoch's city as Zion).  In Enoch's Zion the people loved and cared for each other emotionally.  Right now in our day and age we are learning more and more about the dynamics of emotions.  

We are a very prosperous nation (in the US) because of this we are able to spend allot of energy learning in detail about many things.. This is a luxury.  If we were every day battling for our survival there would be no time or place for us to look at something so fleeting as emotions.  I am grateful for all of our forefathers that have made this great nation of prosperity, that has allowed us to live in a time where we can study in great detail something so fleeting as emotions.  In the past few generations we have greatly expanded our knowledge of emotions and the powerful role they play in our world.   

For my life understanding emotions is vital.  It is our understanding of emotions that creates a climate where I can look at the severe sexual abuse I endured, and find ways to heal it.  It is our understanding of emotions that allows my peers to understand somewhat the struggles in my life, caused by abuse.  It is because of our understanding of emotions that my peers are able to extend compassion towards me, because they know and understand more.  Christ has always called upon us to show compassion towards those that are struggling emotionally.  Christ, in his own life showed us how to show compassion towards people who have emotional trials.  The prostitute that Christ forgave and praised in the presence of his disciples, is a great examples of Christs compassion towards emotional trials.  

This prostitute was a victim of sexual abuse.  I say this with confidence because the more we learn about the sex industry the more we learn that the members of the sex industry, who are giving out sexual favors, are victims of their profiteers, and victims of their customers.  They are sex slaves, even if they seemingly are participating in that role voluntarily.  When Christ showed compassion to the prostitute he showed compassion to sexual victims.  He then asked the people of his time (and the people who read his words as recorded in the Bible) he asks them to show compassion, even as he did... 

For many followers of Christ, who have never experienced sexual slavery, showing compassion as he did to the prostitute has been an act of faith.  Having no knowledge of the inner workings of the sexual trade, they had no understanding to go on in order to help them have compassion towards victims of sexual abuse.  When they showed compassion it was because they were following Christ and having faith.  But today, in our day of plenty and prosperity we have had large amounts of research and learning devoted to understanding the complicated inner workings of emotions.  There are now endless clinical studies detailing out the devastating effects sexual abuse has on a person.  Today a follower of Christ who wants to show compassion for survivors of sexual abuse can easily educate themselves on the subject, and thus operate on more then just faith alone.  Now, here I am back to Enoch's City of Zion.

In Zion there was none who were left to want.  All members of Zion were cared for in every need. This could only happen if the members of Zion showed compassion towards a large variety of people, with a large variety of experiences.  Gods beautiful plan for this earth is one of broad diversity.  If you question this then stop to ask yourself if you can number the all the land animals on the earth, from there wonder at the number of birds, fish, and insects.  My personal favorite is to wonder at all the variety of flowers.  

God clearly does not believe in a one size fits all beauty... If he did he would have made all flowers daffodils (my personal favorite).  But he did not stop at the perfection of the daffodil (wink) he went on to create the rose (a favorite of many) the petunia, the hyacinth, the iris and on and on his floral creations went even down to the little, but significant, forget-me-not.  All this beauty and variety that God created gives us lots of joy, happiness and richness in life.  I believe that humans are meant to have a large amount of variety and richness too.  I believe that God created more variety in the Human race then he created in all of his floral creations.  In-fact the variety or diversity he created was endless, because each human here on the earth is an individual work of Gods art.  But then if we stop to consider it, so is each flower.

I have a flower garden full of daffodils.  Each flower is unique, each flower is beautiful.   I have yellow ones, I have white ones, I have white and yellow ones, I have frilly ones, I have little ones, I have daffodils with pink on them.  But even if we limit ourselves to just the classic all yellow daffodil, no two blooms in my garden are identical.  You may find on close examination that one yellow bloom has a small bright red bug living inside of it.  On another bloom you will find various pollen collecting bugs buzzing around it.  Continuing to look at these delightful yellow blooms you will see that one has more ruffles on its cup then the other.  You will see that one bloom looks up, while another bloom looks down.  One bloom stands up bold and strong, while another hides timidly in the greens.  But even then the variety continues to more endless possibilities.  Consider the imperfections of these yellow blooms.  Look at the brown scars where damage has been healed over.  Look at the green leaves that were accidentally crushed by one of my kids while tending to the flowers.  Their imperfections, scars, and healing adds even more variety to Gods beautiful creations. In just looking at my small daffodil garden we have seen a large amount of variety. 

Like flowers we humans are each unique, some are bold, some are shy, some are tall, some are short, all are imperfect, some have scars, some are healing still.  When we encounter variety/ diversity  we humans find we need to operate with compassion towards each other in order to maintain harmony.  In Enoch's City of Zion there was harmony, because there was compassion.

I have heard some people scoff at the various emotional concerns that are hitting the press, the Internet, and social circles. I agree that we have an ever growing list of emotional concerns and groups wanting emotional understanding.  I ask you.  Of these various emotional concerns how many of them do you think had to be addressed and worked through, in order for Gods people in  Zion to get along, to have compassion and harmony? 

I believe that we should embrace all the new emotional understanding our society is learning about.  I believe we should educate our selves on it, and learn from it.  I believe that Zion can be here on the earth again.  I believe Zion will be brought to earth when the people of God choose to be understanding, compassionate, and harmonious with each other, and with all types of people of the world.  

I am thankful for all that we are learning about emotions, because I believe that when we honor and respect each others emotions we become more like our Lord Jesus Christ.  I also believe that in honoring and respecting emotions in the world around us can become more like Zion.

Thank you for reading. 
Jean Marie

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014


Is believing in the goodness of mankind.  When you know the brutality of mankind firsthand.
- Jean Marie

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