Sunday, March 30, 2014

DH sings "In the Air Tonight" to my Pedophile Father - Lyrics

My husband told me the other day, that ever since he first met my father, my father reminded him of this song.  Phil Collins In the Air Tonight.... My husband knew I was a victim of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the hands of my father, before I did.... He knew when on our wedding night I was not a virgin, yet I strongly believed I was..... He knew when I told him that dad acted like a creep once, but it was mild, and dad was fully repentant... He knew when my relationship with my dad was strange, when my relationship with my mother was strange... I wanted to name my first son after my dad, but DH refused.... DH knew.... And when I finally knew, DH admitted he always knew..... When I hear this song, I imagine the voice of my husbands internal voice singing to my dad, all those years... it is powerful...

"In The Air Tonight"

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you or me

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord...

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All Thoughts Lead back to Anxiety

Laying in bed tonight I find myself once again failing at a standard practice.  I am all keyed up and anxious.  I ask my brain to find some place, maybe imaginary, maybe just a safe little nook of thought, someplace safe.... My brain starts down a path, and within in a few minutes I am back to anxiety, and that seemingly safe thought has found its way to a trigger.  I keep trying, with different starting places of thought, but I keep getting back to the inevitable destination, Anxiety.

When your whole childhood world was full of anxiety and sexual abuse, then pretty much any item or object experienced leads its way back to the realities of abuse.  

In counseling we do this practice where we try to imagine a safe place in our minds... mine collapses eventually and can not stay a free place, free from anxiety... I don't have that much power over my thoughts... They keep going back to what they know, which is anxiety.

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Saturday, March 29, 2014

Hello Anxiety my Old Friend

Hello Anxiety my old friend... I've come to talk with you again....

I will tell you the truth.. I live in a constant state of anxiety.  This is not unusual for me.  I can start to black out fore stress and still hide my anxiety so well mental health professionals cant tell.  Do you know the sound of your beating heart?  No?  Why?  Because it is always there, your mind filters it out.  Most of the time I don't know the feeling of my anxiety, I filter it out, disconnect from it, feel that it is normal.  But stress is stress and ignoring my anxiety does not save my body from the side effects of living in anxiety.  I have not admitted this before... Because admitting it somehow further invalidate me and made me crazy and unreasonable.  It is impossible for me to tell you how ingrained that fact is for me... Let me just tell you that my head is dizzy, my vision is blurred, my feet ache from tingling, my hands ache, my eyes are sensitive.... And now.. Now I am dozing off, because a body can only take so much anxiety before it needs to recover... I have always hid this anxiety.. but hiding does not really describe it.  Since my parents never acknowledge anything about the abuse it meant to me that I was making up my symptoms.  I ignored them.  But they did not go away, they only became more entrenched.  Believe me I have tried all the trite suggestions you will come up whit... 

Anyways, I don't sleep... I sit and run through every possible thing that I feel threatened by.  I pray to the Lord to take my anxieties... He is willing.. But I am not... I cling to them, believing that I alone can cave me from tragedy again, and only if I am hyper vigilant.  

I am in and out of dosing.. who knows if this makes sense.... Maybe I can sleep now.

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Feeling Groovy.... But not free

My sister and I packed up the little Chevette.  We felt so free.  We were off to the open road.  Just us two.  Life was ours, to decided what we wanted to do.  We listened to Feeling Groovy.... But we did not realise one thing we packed with us.  We packed with us years of abuse.  Like a ghost it followed us throughout our lives, always stealing our successes, always stealing our self worth.  Leaving us bewildered and always blaming ourselves....

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Thursday, March 27, 2014

24 Thought Provoking Questions You Need To Answer To Know Yourself Better

24 Thought Provoking Questions You Need To Answer To Know Yourself Better

1. What would people say about you at your funeral?

That I was a dedicated mother.  That I was a dedicated homeschooler.  That I loved my religion and I fought for my faith even when it was hard.  They might be tempted to white wash my life, but I would not want them to.  I would want them to come right out and say... Jean is a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the hands of her father.  She fought hard to break free from his controls.  She fought hard to help her family and her extended family heal.  She advocated online and connected with other survivors, they supported her and she supported them.

2. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

Depression and Anxiety, negative self talk, triggers.

3. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?

When my house is clean.  My self worth is wrapped around my house, and I struggle with keeping it clean because cleaning is a HUGE trigger because of my abuse.  Also my worth as a child was wrapped around a clean bedroom.  I had a messy bedroom, thus I was an awful person.

4. If you were at heaven’s gates, and God asked “you why should I let you in?”, what would you say?

Because I devoted my life to raising my children, to teaching them how to be good people, to breaking the chains of abuse for their generation.  Because I always intended to do good, even when I made mistakes

5. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

I dont think I do right now.... I would worry about what would happen to my children and my husband.

6. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

My husbands... Yes he does... But I should tell him again... But please, please dont have the loss include my children.  If that happened I would not be running, I would be a lump of sadness.

7. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

I would not have my mother marry my father... I would have her marry some nice guy who actually cared about her as the wonderful person she is.  My father only sees her as a pawn to manipulate and use.  Then I would ask to come into that home, a home with my mother, and a father that is not abusive.

8. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

I am sure I would take more time to compose it then I will do here... But this would be the basic theme...

Childhood sexual abuse is wrong.  If you were abused as a child it was never your fault.  If you feel shame about the abuse that shame belongs to the abuser.  The abuser trained you to feel their shame, inorder to keep you silent.  You were a child.  You were not wrong.  Your abuser manipulated you.  You abuser knew how to control you.  If at any point you feel you caused or willingly participated in the abuse that is only because of how good the abuser was at manipulating you.  You were a child, you were innocent, you did not know, you could not know, you could not make that choice... It only happened because you were abused.

9. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

Study Ancient Civilizations and Religions, and teach about what I learned..... No that is not it.....

I would fight to release all the prisoners of sexual abuse! That is what I would do!!

10. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist? Or if you don’t believe in God, that he does exist?

I have been down that road.  I have solved that question for myself.  God exists.  

11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?

I would not be happy with that news.  I would be anxious to find a way out of my anxiety and depression.  I would never want to live an eternity in anxiety and depression.  I would not want to live and watch my children die.  I would do my best to make the world a better place for the people who did live and die around me.  At that point my life would no longer be about my life.

12. If this were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you were about to do today?
Um... I think I would surround myself with my loved ones... and spend as much time with them as possible.

13. If your life was a movie, what would be the title?
My Father was a Pedophile

Overcoming Father/ Daughter Incest

14. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?
I would want a life without anxiety and depression, so that I could use my time better.

15. How could you describe yourself in 5 words?

Survivor, Mother,  Homeschooler, LDS, Fighter

16. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?

I would save someone I know from suffering Childhood Sexual Abuse

17. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old are you?

Old, I am not very youthful

18. If not now, then when?

When I can think straight... When I can believe that my emotions wont bring all that I do to an abrupt stop... When I can believe that I can climb up more then I can fall down...

19. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Advocate against Childhood Sexual Abuse under my real name.  Tell everyone I know that I am a survivor, and to be weary of my pedophile dad.

20. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?
There have been allot of times in my life where I have been.. and come to think of it I can remember who... I wish I knew how to set them free...

21. If you had to choose between a book or a movie what would you choose?

Right now it would be movie, but it should be book.

22. If you could see your whole life till now on a movie would you enjoy it?

No, not at all... and please dont make me watch it...

23. If you could ask 1 person just one question, and he would answer honestly, what would you ask him and who would you ask?
I would ask my pedophile dad to list everyone else he had sexually abused.

24. What would you do different if you were reborn?

I can not know that answer..... That would depend on weather or not I was born to a pedophile... and weather or not I was born in a time that believed in justice for sexual abuse victims.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Invalidated because of Depression and Anxiety

All my life I have struggled with the symptoms of abuse... Depression, anxiety, self doubt, feeling worthless...

All my life my Pedophile Dad has used the symptoms of abuse against me.... He has used them as proof to everyone around me that I was worthless and unreasonable...

The great irony of this is, he is the one who caused the symptoms in me... And he used the symptoms to further invalidate me and keep me under his control...

Living in incest is like living in a nightmare, that you feel you caused, that never goes away.

Being a survivor of incest means being afraid of your own memories, always wanting to avoid the ones that put you back into the nightmare at random times.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Saving Gollum

Frodo wants to save Gollum.  He empathises with Gollum...  Because Frodo struggles against a similar burden, Frodo wants to believe that Gollum can be redeemed, because if Gollum can be redeemed then Frodo can, if he slipps into a similar state.

In this way we often want to save the broken around us, we want to believe they can be healed, because we want to believe we can be healed.

I want my mom to be healed.  I know she suffered allot of the same abuses I suffered from my dad.  Parts of my still feels imprisoned that my mother is not healed.  I want to believe that she can be healed, because I feel connected to her, I feel connected to the abuse she suffers.  If she can heal then it would be evidence that I can heal.  I feel and understand her pain. I reflect myself onto her.

But sometimes we want the great villains to be healed.  Not because we see the seed of becoming a great villain in ourselves, but because we want to believe in the right winning.  In the LDS community there is a common statement that everyone can be healed by the atonement.  But my question is will everyone choose to be healed?  I feel the church states this in order to inspire those who want to be healed, to have faith in the atonement and the process of healing.  I do not feel they state this in order to give credence to the goodness of the person that does not want to be healed.

Gollum did not want to be healed, he just wanted the ring.  He was too far gone.  Pedophiles that are too far gone challenge the feel-good phrases of "everyone can be healed."  But the facts are evil is evil, bad is bad.. and sometimes there are people who are so far gone, who are so bad, they don't want to be healed.  This is an easy enough concept to be understood when the ones who are being bad are being rebellious and staying as far away from good, and the signs of doing good.  But what do we do, when someone so evil, someone who does not want to be good, pretends to be good.  The scriptures speak all the time of the devil and his deceptions.  They speak of the power evil has to look good.  And yet, when we have evil amongst us parading as good, what do we do?  Do we sympathise with Gollum, all the while he is leading us into a trap?  Or do we wake up, and see the lies for what they are, do we see the  wolf in sheep's clothing?

It would be easy to believe a person was evil, if they looked crumpled as Gollum does... But what if the evil you should be so afraid of, is standing next to you looking like any other honest John, actually looking better then your average honest John, actually looking like he is the most trustworthy?  What do you do then?  Do you admit that the calculating pedophile is deceiving you and everyone around you?  Or do you follow Gollum as he leads you and everyone around into a trap?

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Afraid of my Inner Child

I just read several blog post about inner children.

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe by Patricia Singleton

And she lead me to the other two.

‘The Strong One’ By Kate Swift

Memories Still Do Hurt By Mary Graziano

At the end I feel pain.  Pain for my lost inner child.  It was never safe to talk to or get to know my inner child.  I have looked at her memories, and her experiences.  But I have never gotten to know her.  And I find I still don't want to.  I want to block her off, move on without her.  Why am I so afraid of a little girl?  You know why?  Because I believed that little girl was crazy, and I don't want to be crazy.  Being crazy in my world meant you needed to end your life to make the world a better place.  I cant reconnect with someone who is crazy.  It is better to keep her, my inner child at a distance, and stay sane.  That is what I think, when I think of the little girl that was Jean.  And... I don't want to know any more.. I already know little Jean was molested, raped, mentally abused, assaulted, spiritually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, sexually abused from infancy to adulthood.  I have already looked at and learned so much.  But I don't want to be crazy.  I want to move on. I want to leave little inner Jean, and move on without her.

Here are the songs of my youth that tell me a bit about who Jean was as a teen.

The truth I was hiding about my lifetime of abuse.

This song is about my belief that I can do something small to cause everything around me to fall apart... like it did when I was 13 and tried to fight against my abusing father.

The confusion one feels  when the abuser wins, and everyone trusts the abuser and distrusts you as a victim.

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Saturday, March 8, 2014

Forgiveness....By Matthew West.... and Healing.

My father is a pedophile, and he used the most sacred gift of forgiveness and repentance as a manipulative tool to abuse me and keep me under his control.  His spiritual abuse of me around the words of forgiveness and repentance were so extreme that the very mention of the word caused me to be overcome with anxiety.  I avoided that topic at all costs and did not want to think of it... Then, one day I got a phone call telling me that the Statute of Limitations took my 23 year fight to report my father, it took my "well documented case", it took these things I had fought so hard for, and it made them impossible.  I had to drive my kids, at that moment, to an activity one hour away.  God figured that he had me where he wanted me, and he taught me a sermon of love and peace, as I listened to KLOVE and cried my eyes out.  His sermon started with Overcommer.  It sung to me through song after song on the way to the event, and on the way home again.  I wish I knew all the songs in between that took my heart and healed it from the depths of despair I was in.  The capstone of the sermon was this song, Forgiveness.  For the first time I understood Gods love, even for someone like my pedophile father.  Now I am listening to this song again, as I am preparing to report my father to his church.  Thank you for the truth you sing!

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Friday, March 7, 2014

Childhood Development in the Backwards Bubble of an Abusive Home

Start with the blank canvas of a child's mind... Add in chaos, broken rules and self confirming false realities... Isolate the child from normal.. tell the child this is normal... this is in fact the good life... Tell the child that all that is upside down, abusive, chaotic, and bad around them is right and good.. Tell the child that the real problem is the child, if the child disagrees with the upside down world that is because the child is the one who misunderstands... Treat the child as messed up, confused, crazy, unreliable.  Treat any truth the child finds that tells him his world is upside down as something to fear and avoid... Blame the chaos on the child.. tell the child that they caused all the problems in life, they are the source.  Flip reality where the parents are the victims. Where the parents feel mistreated by the child.  Where everything the parents do is right and correct and the everything the child does is wrong and bad.... Where do you think this leaves the child?  

My story was featured on Trish Kaye Lleone's blog.  JEAN MARIE: “MY FATHER WAS A PEDOPHILE” Here is a snipit of my story.

Who was I as a little girl?  I was curious, playful , joyful, innocent.  But who I was was greatly effected by where I was.  Where was I as a little girl?  I was in a prison of an abusive house. I drew a picture of my house as a little girl, it was black, dark and unfriendly.  This is where I lived. 
 My world was upside down and backwards... But it was the only world I knew.. I was told by my parents my world was a good world.  My parents tried so hard to put on airs of the good family living the good life... Everyone around believed the airs... I knew nothing different, I was a child that came to them with a blank canvas of a mind.  I believed this was the good life, this was normal...  Let me give you a peek into one of the moments my world was flipped upside down the most.
This is about my father.  My father was a pedophile.  I believe he started molesting me as a baby.   I know he raped me as a seven year old several times and molested me as a teenager.
My brain was protected from the rapes.  I remember before the rape my dad coming into my room and giving me the impression that we were to be married.  I remember that this challenged all my views of the world and right and wrong. I had allot of questions about how that could be possible.  But I could not ask my questions, he was in a position of authority and asking them would be disrespectful  As a child I had no ground to stand on.  I believed my father was the authority in the situation, I believed he was right.  I did not challenge him. I challenged myself.  I rewrote my rules of the world to include the fact that fathers can have a marriage like relationship with their daughter.

The child's mind has a unique way that it process things.. It is not like an adult at all.  Children "learn" new things by watching the world around then, and watching how things interact with each other.   Children lean and rely on trusted authority figures to help guide them and direct them.  What happens to the child when they are surrounded by lies, as their brain is building the structure by which the child will see and judge the world?  What happens to a child's brain if their trusted authority figures have no interest in caring for the child, but instead are only interested in using and abusing the child?  How easy is it to train a child to cover up the adults problems?

I needed someone to comfort me, to show me love, and tell me it would be OK.  My dad happily steps into this role.  We talk for long hours on the couch, as he pretends to be my therapist.  I tell him teenage sorrow after sorrow.  According to him everything going wrong or bad in my life had one source, my mom.  As I pored out my problems to him he taught me how every one of these problems came from my mother.  Every conversation, no matter where it started at, always got wrapped around to talking about how my mother messed me up so bad.  In this way my fake “counselor father” taught me how to blame my mother for everything.  He taught me that I was horribly mistreated by my mother.  The conversations continued until I had been fully won over and I could see for myself how my mother was the cause of all of my problems.

How easy is it to take over a child's mind.  Mold it and make it into what ever enables the parents upside down world?
My father was my hero.  My idol.   My therapist My leader.  I went to him with every problem I ever had in my life, and he told me exactly what to do.  I lived a life for pleasing him.  I lived to become the person he wanted me to be.
I have been asking the question to you, the reader, of what happens.. But I know what happens.. What happens is the adult produced by such an environment is guilt ridden, hyper vigilant, self blaming, and self loathing. They do not blame their parents for the abuse.  They blame themselves.  This self blame, self loathing, guilt was programmed into the child in his formative years, and confirmed over and over again to the child in millions of ways.  It is a very strong truth to the child.  Because of this it becomes like a monolithic building of shame and doubt that is very difficult to overcome, and is more believed and trusted then almost anything else...  You may tell the recovering survivor that they are not to blame, that it was not their fault, that the guilt does not belong to them.. And they may feel relieved from the guilt and thank you for telling them that... But your message only went into their brain once, and only as an adult.  Programs in the brain are given highest priority if they were programmed as a child.  Also the more often the program is ran through the brain the stronger it becomes.  The child has lived in a reality where continuously day after day for all their life they felt worthless, shameful, and bad.  Telling them one time will not remove this programming.  This may in fact be one of the most significant hurdles they will have to overcome in healing.

Today I have been through four years of therapy.  I know, I know for a SOLID fact that I did not cause the abuse, that it was not fault, that I am not guilty... While I know that 100%... Sometimes, often, I still feel that I am.  I have been working on deprogramming this a long time.  And I am stronger. And I get stuck in self blame and self loathing less.  I feel empowered and strong more often.  I know I was abused.. But still. Still.. There lingers these remaining feelings, that were programmed into me, by my upside down world.  It is my rock to push against.  So I push.  Everyday the ingrained negative emotions of my youth become less.... but they are still there... 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Follow me on my emotional path through music...

I live through music.. it is great therapy for me...

Follow me on my emotional path through music...

At first there is a life full of fear, determined by fear...

Then I want to overcome the fear by becoming a Giant

Then I find a release, and learn to just be me.

Survivor Songs by Rebekka Karijord, Wear it Like a Crown, Giant, Multicolored Hummingbird

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