Sunday, January 12, 2014

Storm Drains

So I am falling asleep and for some reason my mind wanders into the topic of storm drains.  Before I know it, I am responding with tightened muscles, short breathing, and trauma responses.  I then start to imagine myself washed into a storm drain and getting stuck in a clog of branches and drowning.

Why, I ask...

Then I remember being a toddler.  As I remember this my toes start to tingle and my head buzz.  It was me, toddler Jean and my two older sisters.  We went to a little park with a wide canal like area that people like to splash in.  The canal was wide, shallow and slow moving it emptied into a storm drain.

When we arrived at the park I was very concerned because we forgot our swimming suits.  I was told it would be just fine, we could swim in our underwear.  I did not want to do this at all, the very thought appalled me.  My parents told me it would be just like having a swimming suit.  I was worried that others would know it was my underwear.  They striped me down to just my underwear and tee shirt and told me to go play in the storm drain. I wanted to have fun, but was self conscious that others would see me that way.  I played cautiously, watching everyone to see if they could tell it was my underwear. I wanted to stay in the deep parts of the water to hide my underwear.

At some point my dad came in and played with me and my sisters.  I started to feel a bit more relaxed and started walking closer to the storm drain. Dad told me not to go near it, and explained to me it was dangerous and why.

I have the distinct impression that my dad groped me while we were playing in the water, and groped me while he was carrying me to or from the water.

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