Giving Myself Permission to Exist

I recently read "13 Ways to Give Yourself Permission to Exist" by Amanda Lee

After skimming it I wrote this "What a great post! Thank you"  But later I found I wanted to read more and commented this.  "JOHNNYEXX and AMANDA LEE what you both wrote is very moving! I have denied myself my whole life. I have a hard time just letting myself live. As you talk about pampering yourself it is difficult for me to even think about doing this… But I am continually finding ways I have repressed Jean, and am now letting her out. Maybe someday I will learn how she likes to self pamper too."

Amanda replied and challenged me to do something for self care and report back.  This was my report back. "JOHNNYEXX You described so exactly the physical symptoms I have while reading this post. The first time I read the post all I could do was read the first sentence on each point, and as I did that my head clouded up with anxiety and my breathing became short and stiff. That is when I wrote “What a great post!” But then I found myself thinking about this post still. I came back here to read it again and found I clamped up with anxiety again, but I managed to read a bit more and your comments.

Then AMANDA LEE you challenged me to take action in self care. When I came back here to once again report the results of the challenge I decided I would try to read the whole post. As I read I am so impressed at how exactly on the mark you are with describing many idiosyncrasys I have. BTW I did not like the challenge, one bit, I don’t like pampering myself, self neglect is easier then fighting against my tensions over some things that could be pampering.

One day I loaded up my kids and dog and drove to my nephew's house to walk his dogs, at his request. While driving over the few streets to his house I drove past my friend who was out walking for exercise. And in a moment I decided to let go of my to-do lists and take time to enjoy a walk and my friend. I called her cell phone and good fortune would have it that she turned down my nephews street and was almost to his house. We harnessed the dogs, and instead of just letting them out to pee, I took an extended walk with a good friend. Her kids and my kids played at the park with all the dogs and her and I walked and talked in circles around the park. When I got done, I was pleasantly surprised that I found a way to take care of myself in a way I enjoyed, and had a success to report to you.

When I think of how I close myself off and try to be super woman I find that Sara Bareilles’s song Hercules describes it well.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLkcohb4cLw"

Yes, I am TOTALLY on a Sara Bareilles kick, if you had not noticed.

"Hercules"

I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet
My imagination hadn't turned on me yet
I used to let my words wax poetic
But it melted a puddle at my feet now
It is a calcifying crime, it's tragic
I've turned to petrified past life baggage
I want to disappear and just start over
So here we are

And I'll breathe again...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules

I've lost a grip on where I started from
I wish I'd thought ahead and left a few crumbs
I'm on the hunt for who I've not yet become
But I'd settle for a little equilibrium
There is a war inside my heart gone silent
Both sides dissatisfied and somewhat violent
The issue I have now begun to see
I am the only lonely casualty

This is not the end though...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules

This is my darkest hour
A long road has lead me out here
But I only need turn around to face the light
And decide flight or fight

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be...
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules