Sunday, January 5, 2014

Lost in 10 Years

I remember having a doctor's examination.  When my mother took me in for insomnia.  I believe, if the memory is correct that I had my first pap smear.  I estimate I was a junior in high school at the time.  After this examination the lady doctor came back in and wanted to talk to me about my sex life.  I could not understand why she was asking me.  What she meant.  I was a sheltered LDS girl with no "Sex Life."  But when I faced the memories of my father raping me an explanation for her actions can be seen.  She must have seen the physical evidences left over of me not being a virgin.  My repressed memories did not allow me to even comprehend why she was asking, let alone respond with anything meaningful.

I drove to that clinic yesterday.  Any medical records from this doctor would have been destroyed 10years after my last visit.  There is no evidence left to find.

My dad took me to counseling, to keep up appearances.  Here is an excerpt I wrote about this in an email to a friend "Dad drives me to and from the two counseling sessions I have.  I have one session with my oldest sister who tells me, that dad told her, all counselors are to be distrusted.  Then after the second appointment I meet my dad outside.  I tell him that I am feeling suicidal and the counselor wants me to take medication...  Which I was BTW, as real as it can get for a kid, I had a plan and was composing my suicide letter.  What does my upstanding father do???  He says "that is ok, I hear in your voice that you don't want to go back to counseling."  And that was the end of my counseling."

I drove to the therapist's office yesterday. It was torn down and a new building stands in its place.  I drove to the nearest office with the same organization.  All records of my therapy sessions when I was 13 would have been destroyed 10 years after my last appointment.

So I had until I was about 27 to save the medical records that would have proven rape.  And I had until I was about 23 to save the therapy records that would have given me more insight into my world back then...

Pedophiles win when repressed memories stop us from keeping up with the race against time.

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