DH sings "In the Air Tonight" to my Pedophile Father - Lyrics

My husband told me the other day, that ever since he first met my father, my father reminded him of this song.  Phil Collins In the Air Tonight.... My husband knew I was a victim of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the hands of my father, before I did.... He knew when on our wedding night I was not a virgin, yet I strongly believed I was..... He knew when I told him that dad acted like a creep once, but it was mild, and dad was fully repentant... He knew when my relationship with my dad was strange, when my relationship with my mother was strange... I wanted to name my first son after my dad, but DH refused.... DH knew.... And when I finally knew, DH admitted he always knew..... When I hear this song, I imagine the voice of my husbands internal voice singing to my dad, all those years... it is powerful...

"In The Air Tonight"

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you or me

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord...

All Thoughts Lead back to Anxiety

Laying in bed tonight I find myself once again failing at a standard practice.  I am all keyed up and anxious.  I ask my brain to find some place, maybe imaginary, maybe just a safe little nook of thought, someplace safe.... My brain starts down a path, and within in a few minutes I am back to anxiety, and that seemingly safe thought has found its way to a trigger.  I keep trying, with different starting places of thought, but I keep getting back to the inevitable destination, Anxiety.

When your whole childhood world was full of anxiety and sexual abuse, then pretty much any item or object experienced leads its way back to the realities of abuse.  

In counseling we do this practice where we try to imagine a safe place in our minds... mine collapses eventually and can not stay a free place, free from anxiety... I don't have that much power over my thoughts... They keep going back to what they know, which is anxiety.

Hello Anxiety my Old Friend

Hello Anxiety my old friend... I've come to talk with you again....

I will tell you the truth.. I live in a constant state of anxiety.  This is not unusual for me.  I can start to black out fore stress and still hide my anxiety so well mental health professionals cant tell.  Do you know the sound of your beating heart?  No?  Why?  Because it is always there, your mind filters it out.  Most of the time I don't know the feeling of my anxiety, I filter it out, disconnect from it, feel that it is normal.  But stress is stress and ignoring my anxiety does not save my body from the side effects of living in anxiety.  I have not admitted this before... Because admitting it somehow further invalidate me and made me crazy and unreasonable.  It is impossible for me to tell you how ingrained that fact is for me... Let me just tell you that my head is dizzy, my vision is blurred, my feet ache from tingling, my hands ache, my eyes are sensitive.... And now.. Now I am dozing off, because a body can only take so much anxiety before it needs to recover... I have always hid this anxiety.. but hiding does not really describe it.  Since my parents never acknowledge anything about the abuse it meant to me that I was making up my symptoms.  I ignored them.  But they did not go away, they only became more entrenched.  Believe me I have tried all the trite suggestions you will come up whit... 

Anyways, I don't sleep... I sit and run through every possible thing that I feel threatened by.  I pray to the Lord to take my anxieties... He is willing.. But I am not... I cling to them, believing that I alone can cave me from tragedy again, and only if I am hyper vigilant.  

I am in and out of dosing.. who knows if this makes sense.... Maybe I can sleep now.

Feeling Groovy.... But not free

My sister and I packed up the little Chevette.  We felt so free.  We were off to the open road.  Just us two.  Life was ours, to decided what we wanted to do.  We listened to Feeling Groovy.... But we did not realise one thing we packed with us.  We packed with us years of abuse.  Like a ghost it followed us throughout our lives, always stealing our successes, always stealing our self worth.  Leaving us bewildered and always blaming ourselves....

24 Thought Provoking Questions You Need To Answer To Know Yourself Better

24 Thought Provoking Questions You Need To Answer To Know Yourself Better
Read more at http://motivationgrid.com/24-thought-provoking-questions-to-know/#yPp4g3rE6Saj1u20.99

1. What would people say about you at your funeral?

That I was a dedicated mother.  That I was a dedicated homeschooler.  That I loved my religion and I fought for my faith even when it was hard.  They might be tempted to white wash my life, but I would not want them to.  I would want them to come right out and say... Jean is a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the hands of her father.  She fought hard to break free from his controls.  She fought hard to help her family and her extended family heal.  She advocated online and connected with other survivors, they supported her and she supported them.

2. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

Depression and Anxiety, negative self talk, triggers.

3. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?

When my house is clean.  My self worth is wrapped around my house, and I struggle with keeping it clean because cleaning is a HUGE trigger because of my abuse.  Also my worth as a child was wrapped around a clean bedroom.  I had a messy bedroom, thus I was an awful person.

4. If you were at heaven’s gates, and God asked “you why should I let you in?”, what would you say?

Because I devoted my life to raising my children, to teaching them how to be good people, to breaking the chains of abuse for their generation.  Because I always intended to do good, even when I made mistakes

5. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

I dont think I do right now.... I would worry about what would happen to my children and my husband.

6. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

My husbands... Yes he does... But I should tell him again... But please, please dont have the loss include my children.  If that happened I would not be running, I would be a lump of sadness.

7. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

I would not have my mother marry my father... I would have her marry some nice guy who actually cared about her as the wonderful person she is.  My father only sees her as a pawn to manipulate and use.  Then I would ask to come into that home, a home with my mother, and a father that is not abusive.

8. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

I am sure I would take more time to compose it then I will do here... But this would be the basic theme...

Childhood sexual abuse is wrong.  If you were abused as a child it was never your fault.  If you feel shame about the abuse that shame belongs to the abuser.  The abuser trained you to feel their shame, inorder to keep you silent.  You were a child.  You were not wrong.  Your abuser manipulated you.  You abuser knew how to control you.  If at any point you feel you caused or willingly participated in the abuse that is only because of how good the abuser was at manipulating you.  You were a child, you were innocent, you did not know, you could not know, you could not make that choice... It only happened because you were abused.

9. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

Study Ancient Civilizations and Religions, and teach about what I learned..... No that is not it.....

I would fight to release all the prisoners of sexual abuse! That is what I would do!!

10. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist? Or if you don’t believe in God, that he does exist?

I have been down that road.  I have solved that question for myself.  God exists.  

11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?

I would not be happy with that news.  I would be anxious to find a way out of my anxiety and depression.  I would never want to live an eternity in anxiety and depression.  I would not want to live and watch my children die.  I would do my best to make the world a better place for the people who did live and die around me.  At that point my life would no longer be about my life.

12. If this were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you were about to do today?

Um... I think I would surround myself with my loved ones... and spend as much time with them as possible.

13. If your life was a movie, what would be the title?

My Father was a Pedophile

 

or

Overcoming Father/ Daughter Incest

14. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

I would want a life without anxiety and depression, so that I could use my time better.

15. How could you describe yourself in 5 words?

Survivor, Mother,  Homeschooler, LDS, Fighter

16. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?

I would save someone I know from suffering Childhood Sexual Abuse

17. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old are you?

Old, I am not very youthful

18. If not now, then when?

When I can think straight... When I can believe that my emotions wont bring all that I do to an abrupt stop... When I can believe that I can climb up more then I can fall down...

19. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Advocate against Childhood Sexual Abuse under my real name.  Tell everyone I know that I am a survivor, and to be weary of my pedophile dad.

20. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?

There have been allot of times in my life where I have been.. and come to think of it I can remember who... I wish I knew how to set them free...

21. If you had to choose between a book or a movie what would you choose?

Right now it would be movie, but it should be book.

22. If you could see your whole life till now on a movie would you enjoy it?

No, not at all... and please dont make me watch it...

23. If you could ask 1 person just one question, and he would answer honestly, what would you ask him and who would you ask?

I would ask my pedophile dad to list everyone else he had sexually abused.

24. What would you do different if you were reborn?

I can not know that answer..... That would depend on weather or not I was born to a pedophile... and weather or not I was born in a time that believed in justice for sexual abuse victims.

Invalidated because of Depression and Anxiety

All my life I have struggled with the symptoms of abuse... Depression, anxiety, self doubt, feeling worthless...

All my life my Pedophile Dad has used the symptoms of abuse against me.... He has used them as proof to everyone around me that I was worthless and unreasonable...

The great irony of this is, he is the one who caused the symptoms in me... And he used the symptoms to further invalidate me and keep me under his control...

Living in incest is like living in a nightmare, that you feel you caused, that never goes away.

Being a survivor of incest means being afraid of your own memories, always wanting to avoid the ones that put you back into the nightmare at random times.

Saving Gollum

Frodo wants to save Gollum.  He empathises with Gollum...  Because Frodo struggles against a similar burden, Frodo wants to believe that Gollum can be redeemed, because if Gollum can be redeemed then Frodo can, if he slipps into a similar state.

In this way we often want to save the broken around us, we want to believe they can be healed, because we want to believe we can be healed.

I want my mom to be healed.  I know she suffered allot of the same abuses I suffered from my dad.  Parts of my still feels imprisoned that my mother is not healed.  I want to believe that she can be healed, because I feel connected to her, I feel connected to the abuse she suffers.  If she can heal then it would be evidence that I can heal.  I feel and understand her pain. I reflect myself onto her.

But sometimes we want the great villains to be healed.  Not because we see the seed of becoming a great villain in ourselves, but because we want to believe in the right winning.  In the LDS community there is a common statement that everyone can be healed by the atonement.  But my question is will everyone choose to be healed?  I feel the church states this in order to inspire those who want to be healed, to have faith in the atonement and the process of healing.  I do not feel they state this in order to give credence to the goodness of the person that does not want to be healed.

Gollum did not want to be healed, he just wanted the ring.  He was too far gone.  Pedophiles that are too far gone challenge the feel-good phrases of "everyone can be healed."  But the facts are evil is evil, bad is bad.. and sometimes there are people who are so far gone, who are so bad, they don't want to be healed.  This is an easy enough concept to be understood when the ones who are being bad are being rebellious and staying as far away from good, and the signs of doing good.  But what do we do, when someone so evil, someone who does not want to be good, pretends to be good.  The scriptures speak all the time of the devil and his deceptions.  They speak of the power evil has to look good.  And yet, when we have evil amongst us parading as good, what do we do?  Do we sympathise with Gollum, all the while he is leading us into a trap?  Or do we wake up, and see the lies for what they are, do we see the  wolf in sheep's clothing?

It would be easy to believe a person was evil, if they looked crumpled as Gollum does... But what if the evil you should be so afraid of, is standing next to you looking like any other honest John, actually looking better then your average honest John, actually looking like he is the most trustworthy?  What do you do then?  Do you admit that the calculating pedophile is deceiving you and everyone around you?  Or do you follow Gollum as he leads you and everyone around into a trap?