Giving Myself Permission to Exist

I recently read "13 Ways to Give Yourself Permission to Exist" by Amanda Lee

After skimming it I wrote this "What a great post! Thank you"  But later I found I wanted to read more and commented this.  "JOHNNYEXX and AMANDA LEE what you both wrote is very moving! I have denied myself my whole life. I have a hard time just letting myself live. As you talk about pampering yourself it is difficult for me to even think about doing this… But I am continually finding ways I have repressed Jean, and am now letting her out. Maybe someday I will learn how she likes to self pamper too."

Amanda replied and challenged me to do something for self care and report back.  This was my report back. "JOHNNYEXX You described so exactly the physical symptoms I have while reading this post. The first time I read the post all I could do was read the first sentence on each point, and as I did that my head clouded up with anxiety and my breathing became short and stiff. That is when I wrote “What a great post!” But then I found myself thinking about this post still. I came back here to read it again and found I clamped up with anxiety again, but I managed to read a bit more and your comments.

Then AMANDA LEE you challenged me to take action in self care. When I came back here to once again report the results of the challenge I decided I would try to read the whole post. As I read I am so impressed at how exactly on the mark you are with describing many idiosyncrasys I have. BTW I did not like the challenge, one bit, I don’t like pampering myself, self neglect is easier then fighting against my tensions over some things that could be pampering.

One day I loaded up my kids and dog and drove to my nephew's house to walk his dogs, at his request. While driving over the few streets to his house I drove past my friend who was out walking for exercise. And in a moment I decided to let go of my to-do lists and take time to enjoy a walk and my friend. I called her cell phone and good fortune would have it that she turned down my nephews street and was almost to his house. We harnessed the dogs, and instead of just letting them out to pee, I took an extended walk with a good friend. Her kids and my kids played at the park with all the dogs and her and I walked and talked in circles around the park. When I got done, I was pleasantly surprised that I found a way to take care of myself in a way I enjoyed, and had a success to report to you.

When I think of how I close myself off and try to be super woman I find that Sara Bareilles’s song Hercules describes it well.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLkcohb4cLw"

Yes, I am TOTALLY on a Sara Bareilles kick, if you had not noticed.

"Hercules"

I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet
My imagination hadn't turned on me yet
I used to let my words wax poetic
But it melted a puddle at my feet now
It is a calcifying crime, it's tragic
I've turned to petrified past life baggage
I want to disappear and just start over
So here we are

And I'll breathe again...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules

I've lost a grip on where I started from
I wish I'd thought ahead and left a few crumbs
I'm on the hunt for who I've not yet become
But I'd settle for a little equilibrium
There is a war inside my heart gone silent
Both sides dissatisfied and somewhat violent
The issue I have now begun to see
I am the only lonely casualty

This is not the end though...

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules

This is my darkest hour
A long road has lead me out here
But I only need turn around to face the light
And decide flight or fight

Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be...
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules

Saving Mr Banks reminds me of my Pedophile Dad

He was my daddy.  By day he was ideal.  Friend after friend would come to me and tell me they wish their dad was more like mine.  He was playful and fun, a big kid at heart.  He always played with us and had fun with large groups of kids.  We had neighborhood water fights that seemed to get the whole neighborhood involved.  He built the worlds biggest snow slide in the winter.  He took large groups of girls from our constant slumber parties toilet papering.  He went to our baseball games.   He took all the girls out for ice cream after the baseball games.  He was the all over fun, playful, involved ideal dad.  He made me feel special.  He devoted lots of time to me, he did allot of things to lighten the mood and make things fun...

I watched Saving Mr Banks today.  As the movie pictured the whimsical ideal daddy figure for Helen I scoffed inside and asked, "who really has a dad like that, this is not real."  I was riveted the whole movie.  But I hated the moment when the father calls his wife a "mean witch" to his daughter.  And I thought the father daughter horse scene was creepy, not happy.  I understood as the mother walked in a daze into the middle of the lake, no longer valuing her life.

I left the movie torn with strange feelings of guilt, and feeling judged by everyone and misunderstood.  As my husband and I drove home, I shut down more and more emotionaly.  My husband wanted inside my emotions, he wanted to help me.  I told him I would not/ could not share, I did not feel anyone could understand or value me, and did not feel like exposing myself when I was unvalueable.

I walked inside the house feeling my body shutting down, moving like a zombie, trying to get to bed before it hit.  Once in bed, I bawled.  I came up for air sometimes, got a drink, blew my nose, laid back down to the comforting snuggle of my husband, who stood by in support, though I would not open up, laid there quiet for a while, and then broke out in sobs again.

Sometimes the ideal dad feels more real than the monster he was at night.  Sometimes I want to believe in water fights and tickle fights, sledding runs and toilet papering more than I want to believe in rape and molestation.  But the fact is my father raped and molested me.  And the facts are the perfect good daddy was all just a show for grooming his possibly numerous victims.  A lifetime of lies, and yet sometimes the lie seems more real, and sometimes I want to not have a crack in my blue sky.  I thought I had a daddy, a good daddy for most of my life.

As Helen came into the deathly still bedroom and saw her father dead and bleeding out the mouth from tubulerculous I felt what she felt.  Tonight I mourned the loss of an ideal daddy anew, again.

But I wonder what would happen if you, Say what you wanna say...

On November 12th, 2013 my stomach was in my throat as I listened to Brave over and over again to build up my courage.  Then I created my activist ID Jean Marie and started Bloggin'... I found  a new place for my voice.




"Brave"

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Not Branded for Life! I am not a wad of old chewing gum!

I sat and pondered a friend of mine on twitter.  We have been talking privately and she has told me a little bit about her struggles and trials.  While telling me about her life she told me she went to church the other day.  When she told me that it was like she was reporting a victory, or a good thing.  But when I asked her how church was, her response, as I almost could have predicted was, "it was ok."

I sat wondering what I should say to my friend.  I thought of telling her about my own trials with religion.  I thought about telling her my thoughts on how the people who need the love and support of religion the most are the victims of sexual crimes.  But for many reasons, it is the people in the most need, that are instead shunned by religion.  I was turning this conflict over and over in my head.  Trying to find the place where I came to feel more comfortable with religion again, and trying to encapsulate what I learned into something that could be shortened into a tweet.  But as I did this I realized what a complicated thing this would be to communicate on twitter.  Survivors are often being corrected and told where they are wrong.  If I were to just start preaching to my friend, and telling her how I found a bit more comfort with religion, I could easily sound like another person stacking rules or expectations on her shoulder.

The fact that Survivors have a difficulty with religion is very real.  But also real are the many studies that show that religious people are happier.  The fact is much of the way religious people talk and think about the world insults survivors.  But I also know that Gods plan is a plan of happiness, that when we follow his plan we are happier.   The fact that going to church opens us survivors to feeling continually judged and shunned is real.  But then I know I have received significant love and support from many in my church community.  Survivors pains and discomforts with religion are so real, and difficult to live through.  Yet religion that teaches love one another, bear one another burdens, comfort those in need of comfort, is teaching the very things survivors need.  

One in four women in America have reported sexual assaults.  One in six men in America have reported some form of sexual abuse.  These numbers alone are staggering.  But it takes your breath away to realize that these are only the reported numbers.  It has been estimated that only about half of sexual assaults are ever reported.  That could easily make the real numbers of sexual assaults jump to one in two women have been sexually assaulted, or half of all women.  On in every three men have been sexually assaulted, or one third of all men.  

Now lets take a moment to consider the victim's family.  The victims parents are affected, The victims partner is effected, the victims children are affected, the victims' friends are affected.  Everyone is affected by abuse.

As I sat on the side of my bed pondering, I felt inside that sexual abuse left a person branded for life.  That sexual abuse took away some of a persons worth, that they could never get back.  I could not see this flawed view in myself before, it was so ingrained into my reality growing up.  As I thought of this flawed thinking I instinctively knew that other survivors I knew had not lost any of their worth.  As I thought of them I knew that they were strong fighters, they were amazing people. 

Then I thought about myself.  I have spent a lifetime running away from the stigmas of sexual abuse.  I have spent a lifetime fighting to prove to the world that I had value, that I was not branded for life, that I was good.  So much so that I get caught up in living for accomplishments.  It is like I feel the need to constantly be doing something noteworthy or good in order to prove to myself and the world that I have value.

Elizabeth Smart said  that children should be educated that “you will always have value and nothing can change that.”  She said this in May of 2013 while speaking at Johns Hopkins University.  It was in the summer of 2013 that I finally faced and admitted my sexual abuse.  It was shortly after she said this that I finally faced the feeling that I was a chewed up piece of gum, spat out on the blacktop, walked all over and blackened, and of  no worth to anyone else.  It was as I was struggling with this very thought that I was lead to this article.  In the article Elizabeth Smart is quoted to have said “I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value,” Smart said. It was in the summer of 2013 that another famous survivor agreed to meet me at the park.  At sometime, either at the park, or in our emails afterwards, we talked about the chewed up gum feeling.  

In my religion there is a famous song that sings "I am of worth, of infinite worth, my Savior, Redeemer loves me."  I had always heard the song I am worth, and believed it to be about other people.  I believed this so much about other people that I loved to make friends with those estranged by the church and treat them with the dignity and respect I knew they deserved.  I reached out to respect and love those that are shunned I never stopped to consider that the person who needed this respect and love was myself.  As I pondered, for the first time the phrase "I am of worth, of infinite worth" felt true even if I was sexually abused.  Sexual abuse could not take away my infinite worth and my value to my Heavenly Father.  

When I faced the sexual abuse and admitted it, I needed to know that I was of worth in spite of it.  In fact wrapped up in the memories of sexual abuse were the overwhelming feelings that I was evil, and worthless. I faced the reality that I was molested at age 12 by my father about the middle of 2013.  But it was not until late in the year of 2013 that I finally faced the memories of being raped by my father.  The rape was a much more significant thing to face, because it meant from the time I was raped, I was not a virgin.  Facing this reality pulled the double edged sword out of the deepest parts of my heart.  It cuts me to know I was raped, and it cuts me to know I was not a virgin for most of my childhood.  Truth is, it probably always cut me twice like this.  

The rapes that I remember happened around the age of seven.  For some reason it seems that my sexual abuse came to an end sometime before I was twelve.  Because my memories of being sexually abused at age twelve are dinstinctivly about the abuse starting up.  I believed as a twelve year old that I had not been sexually abused before, those memories were too strongly repressed.  

I look back now and I am glad I repressed the memories of being raped.  Since no one was there to help me heal as a child, it was better that I believed I was a virgin.  Years and years of religious discussions about virginity were allot easier to endure when I could say to myself over and over, I am a virgin.  And I DID need to tell myself this over and over, this was probably because the repressed memories were threatening to come to the surface.  If I went through puberty knowing I was not a virgin I would have felt worthless, evil and bad.  I am not confident that I had a support system around me that could have helped me with these issues.  Feeling worthless I would have acted out in a rebellious way.  Once rebellious I would have been shunned by the religious community as being evil or bad. I thank GOD I did not remember I was not a  virgin in my adolescence.  Enduring such a trial seems to me as though it would have been unbearable.

But even today, as I sat here on the side of my bed, I realized that I still felt branded by my sexual abuse.  I think the religious stigmas abut sexual abuse are wrong.  Sexual abuse does not make me a bad or evil person.  Sexual abuse does not even make me a fundamentally flawed person.   Sexual abuse picks us up off of the developmental standard path and sticks us on a new path.  On this new path the victim of abuse needs allot of love and understanding.  The pains and wounds of abuse will remain bleeding and unhealed until they are addressed.  Only love and understanding can heal the wounds left after abuse.   We will be continually wounded until our wounds are addressed, loved, and healed.  It is our unhealed, unaddressed wounds that make us so fundamentally changed, not the nature of our beings.  Sexual abuse does not change our beings into evil or bad beings.  The fundamental goodness of our natures cannot be changed by sexual abuse.  What is changed by our sexual abuse is we are wounded, but are often too hurt to show it, we hide it and protect our wounds.  I am not, nor will I ever be evil because of my abuse, I am only hurting because of my abuse.  Often when we are hurting because of abuse, when we feel the stigma of us being turned evil upon us, often we rebel and act like the person the stigma believes us to be.  But the truth is, we are not, nor ever were, turned evil by the abuse.  

I am sad that the stigmas of abuse ever made me distrust my own nature. The truth is I and other survivors are  strong fighters, fighting against the evil acts of abuse with as much as we have got.  I am glad I have found this place inside of me that still felt branded by the abuse, and healed it.  

My dad told me how abuse brands victims.  How the abuse makes the judgement of the victim questionable.  I know now that this indoctrination was part of his manipulation of me.

The facts are it all comes down to healing and to learning.  It is like the abuse victim is picked up off of the standard path in life and placed on a new and unique path in life.  I will never be like someone who was not abused, I will always be different because of my abuse.  My abuse and pain is so great that it will require a lifetime of healing.  The years that I have been in therapy have been a significant amount of healing, and I have been heroic through them.  All abuse survivors are being heroic when they go to therapy, therapy is very difficult.  The facts are my abusive home environment taught me many wrong things.  But my nature has always been, and will always be, the nature of someone who is good.  Before facing the sexual and spiritual abuse I knew I had endured emotional and physical abuse.  I have always chosen to break the patterns of abuse and learn new ways to parent and govern my life.  In my early years as a mother, I read every parenting book I could fit into my life.  I have changed the pattern, I have broken the generational chains of abuse.  But in my own life I still brought with me the broken and wrong ideas about myself.  But now I know, today I know, I am not fundamentally wrong.  I do not have a demon inside of me waiting to take hold of my heart and turn me to evil.  My abuse does not make me evil.  I am good, I have always been good, I have always fought off the evil effects of abuse.  I am not branded, I have infinite worth.

Storm Drains

So I am falling asleep and for some reason my mind wanders into the topic of storm drains.  Before I know it, I am responding with tightened muscles, short breathing, and trauma responses.  I then start to imagine myself washed into a storm drain and getting stuck in a clog of branches and drowning.

Why, I ask...

Then I remember being a toddler.  As I remember this my toes start to tingle and my head buzz.  It was me, toddler Jean and my two older sisters.  We went to a little park with a wide canal like area that people like to splash in.  The canal was wide, shallow and slow moving it emptied into a storm drain.

When we arrived at the park I was very concerned because we forgot our swimming suits.  I was told it would be just fine, we could swim in our underwear.  I did not want to do this at all, the very thought appalled me.  My parents told me it would be just like having a swimming suit.  I was worried that others would know it was my underwear.  They striped me down to just my underwear and tee shirt and told me to go play in the storm drain. I wanted to have fun, but was self conscious that others would see me that way.  I played cautiously, watching everyone to see if they could tell it was my underwear. I wanted to stay in the deep parts of the water to hide my underwear.

At some point my dad came in and played with me and my sisters.  I started to feel a bit more relaxed and started walking closer to the storm drain. Dad told me not to go near it, and explained to me it was dangerous and why.

I have the distinct impression that my dad groped me while we were playing in the water, and groped me while he was carrying me to or from the water.

What Victims of Abuse Need, In Order to Speak Out!

Trigger Warning! I do give some overview-examples of how each point can be seen in my abuse experience.

When I was a teen I had a strong desire to set the record straight and speak out.  I wanted to speak out so bad I practiced my witness against my father over and over for months.  I put so much effort into being prepared I felt that with my preparation, my goodness, and a little help from God, I would get a chance to speak, to witness against my perpetrator.  But my moment of witnessing never came.  My skilled pedophile/ perpetrator/ father was always one step ahead me, cutting off any places I would have turned for support.  Once he finally broke me, after significant amounts of resistance from me, it took me twenty three years to break the silence and report my father to any authority figure.  I believe most survivors go through a phase of wanting to speak out against their abuser.  I have done my best to consider all the elements that could have helped me speak out, and listed them here.  Maybe if we know what survivors need to speak out, maybe we can help more of them break free from abuse.

1. Victims need to know that abuse is not right.  This might seem very fundamental to some people, but for survivors of abuse it is essential.

Consider my story here.  Around the age of seven my father raped me multiple times.  He gave me the impression that we were married.  I viewed him as a religious leader, with authority to claim we were married.  He was my father, I believed he knew right and wrong more than me.  When he told me we were married, I wanted to challenge it, I did not think it was right.  But then I considered his position of authority over me, and I felt it would be greatly disrespectful of me to challenge him in any way.  I did not challenge him. Instead, I challenged myself.  I assumed my father figure was right, and if he was right I must be wrong.  Instantly I rewrote my view of the world to include the fact that my father could have a marriage like relationship with me.  Because of my age, and the childlike nature of my immature brain, I could not resist, it was not an option.  My role as a child was to obey and follow my parents.  He said we were married, I believed him, the end.  I have dissossiciative amnesia, I don't remember the rape, I only remember before and the pain after the rape.

 If someone came in and challenged this strange sexual relationship I had with my father, and told me it was not right, it may have helped me break through the all encompassing hold my father had on me.  In fact, when I was 13 and trying to speak out, a lot of what gave me the strength to speak out, was a sure and utter knowledge that my father was in the wrong.  I knew he was in the wrong because I had to endure one of those uncomfortable talks in church about sexual sin.

2. Victims need to know that they are not guilty.  Sexual stimulation produces pleasure responses from the body, it is a biological fact.  Pedophiles blame the sexual abuse on the child.  Once the child responds to the sexual stimulation in a pleased way, at all, the predator uses it against the child to shame them and fill them with guilt.

In my story I fought against my fathers sexual advances for months as a 12-13  year old.  But then one night my father decided he would not take my resistance any more.  He attacked me sexually while I fought to get away.  Once the attack was over I was left with a feeling of pleasure in my body.  I hated the feeling of pleasure.  I hated my body.  I felt betrayed by my body, because it felt pleasure for something I did not want.  I felt guilty and evil because my body responded to the sexual stimulation with pleasure.  It ate me up inside for the rest of my life, from that point on.  I was evil, and I knew it, and I hated my body for it.

Educate children and tell them that the body naturally responds to sexual stimulation with pleasure, that is what it is made to do.  They are not wrong for feeling pleasure, in fact their bodies responded in the way they were made to respond.

3. Victims need to know that they have someone they can trust.  They need to feel like that person is not connected to, or partial to the abuser in any way.  They need to feel that the will be believed over the abuser.  They need to feel comfortable being open and talking about anything.  They need to be listened to, and payed attention to.   

They will first start to hint at the abuse to test the trusted source.  If the trusted source does not respond favorably to the hint they may not try to talk about it again.  If they talk about abuse, keep your face calm and relaxed, do not show any extreme emotions on your face, or they will be fearful and discouraged.  Keep a neutral listening facial expression the whole time.  

They need to feel that confiding the abuse will not open them up for further abuse.  They need to feel that confiding abuse will not hurt the listener.  They need to feel that confiding the abuse will not hurt others.  

I had an old lady from the church who was my youth leader.  She cared alot about me and devoted lots of time to me.  I often thought about telling her, but she always praised me for being such a perfect child, I was afraid to shatter her image of me.  In addition, she was medically fragile,  I worried that if I told her it would not be good for her health.  

4. Victims need to know that they will be safe after telling.  They need to know that their loved ones will be safe after telling.  Often victims are stopped by this one thing, and in fact this one thing might be the hardest thing to overcome. 

The abuser has already proven to the victim that they can do a lot of damage and hurt to the victim.  This hurting is very real. The victim remembers the pain inflicted by the abuser, they remember how the abuser seems to always be one step ahead of everyone, fooling everyone.   They remember how the perpetrator hurt them, seemingly under everyones noses and got away with it. If the victim reviews the situation and does not feel like they, or their loved ones, will be safe after telling, they will keep quiet.  This safety can be especially difficult to establish if the abuse comes from a family member.

I strongly believe that if abuse victims are educated that abuse is wrong, if they are accepted and not shunned,  if they have someone they trust to talk to,  if they feel like they will be kept safe, if all of these things are established... I strongly feel that more and more youth will speak out about their abuse, because their needs will have been met.  When we meet an abused child needs, they will reach out and report their abuse.

Please reach out to children who you suspect are abused.  Please help take care of their needs, so that they can be freed from their abuse.  Please educate the children in your care, that they are good, that abuse is bad, that you will listen and keep them safe.  Thank you!

My Good Friend Laura - An amazing Survivor of so many things.

I want to tell you about someone amazing that I know, Laura. But as I started to write about her I realized that her words tell her story the best. Below is Laura's story as I compiled it from our many communications.

Laura

"I have restrictive lung disease ,heart failure and sleep apnea. I am on a respirator and oxygen at night. I was born addicted to methamphetamine thanks to my mom, that damaged my heart and lungs while in utero. My female organs uterus, felopian tubes and ovaries are all underdeveloped. They call it bi concrete uterus (meaning two, yes I have 1 working uterus, with another non working one on top) and a septum or wall going down the middle of my working uterus. My mother took a ton of codine as well while pregnant with me! I now suffer at the hands of her selfish carelessness. I have severe violent reactions to codeine when prescribed to me. Because my body just can't handle it! Not to mention she was giving me four rittlain a day as a child for years. I never had a chance! (My daughter) was a miracle, born with no amniotic fluid at 39 weeks, she is so smart! God blessed me with her. I can't have anymore babies though. I' had to be put to sleep and undergo a c-section because I have a congenital bleeding disorder and I am far too small and underdeveloped to have a vaginal birth. As for now, I am looking at needing a heart/lung transplant in the future, while my mother continues to abuse the heck out of her body and seems to live through it? As for me, popping one pain pill will send my heart rate into 140's and my blood pressure plummets far to low! I don't want you to feel however, that I am anything like my mother, wrapped around medical illness and me, me, me!"
"I am strong, and take care of my body, eat right, pray, go to church. My world is wrapped around (my daughter's) proper upbringing, I want her to have all that I did not. I don't make my burdens hers, as far as I go with her she thinks of me as healthy and strong. Lord knows My family can produce some crazy people, so I keep us normal and stable!" "My mother abandoned me, neglected me and chose drugs over me! I lost the chance at having a mother. All for pills! I deal with a ton of pain, I still don't take pain pills! No one ever knows when I am in pain and you can't tell. I just tough it out! She has no excuse to have ever been a drug addict, and as far as she claims, it's everybody elses fault!" "I do my best to stay away from man made prescriptions because I want to give (my daughter) all of me. The Valium was a giant leap for me, I was unable to bend forward because of a muscle spasm, the doctors in the ER gave me some crazy strong meds and I could still feel full blown pain. God is good all the time though, even when we suffer it is only meant to strengthen us for what lies ahead." "I can see now that my mother is obviously autistic/ Aspergers , she rocked herself, couldn't stand certain lights/sounds/ couldn't cry with tears/ and her obsession with certain subjects, the repeating of things and she has no empathy for others pain, it's all about her and if you talk about yourself she brings herself back into the fold."

"My parents moved out and left me when I was 14 , they moved to a separate house and I was in a shed like apartment. When I met (my first husband) he was 17 years older than me and it took 14 years to escape his control with the help of police after (my husband) chased (my daughter) and I with a gun. There is more to the horror story that would take ages to write. He was a pedophile, and told me something that made me snap and escape, he said ; every time I look at you and we have sex I see a 14 yr old ." "(My first husband) is a perv who was 17 years older than me. And I ... had sex with him when I was 14 and he was 31. I stayed with him and married him because I figured I would go to hell if I left. I ignored the fact that I was a victim. These pedophiles continue to abuse until they get caught and sometimes the system lets them get away. " "I met (my first husband) when I was 14. ... I was forced to get an abortion at 15 and my mother knew of this and okayed it all with the doctors, I am traumatized and ache for this baby to this day and I always feel like something is missing and I beg God's forgiveness all the time. And not only was I forced to get the abortion, my mother has called me a baby killer several times to top it off My brother ... Attempted to force me to have sex with him when I was around 7." "I still feel like my soul is that of a 15 yr old at times and that's when I panic. It's like part of me lives to be a mother and another part just wants to be babied for a minute ."

"(Now I live in the Mountains in California they) are like a luxury camping trip that never ends Nothing but the smell of pine and wildlife, deer, possum,fox, coyote,skunk, bobcats, and rarely mountain lions. And the birds are wonderful, I hear so many different birds and see new birds all the time, if I am lucky I can see a bald eagle when I am at one of the alpine lakes! And the trees here are spectacular... It's like little house on the Prairie here." "The people here are real country, they make their own soap, candles, jam, blankets, pies, really crafty! The Apple orchards here have festivals and your kids get to pick apples. Free museum days and the schools are under crowded, only 130 kids in (my daughters) middle school."

"Remember to take leaps if you are unhappy, if it requires change whether big or small you deserve to live a fulfilling life. If you struggle too long you are doing something wrong, God wants us to live to the fullest, see all his wonders, take daring adventures. There should never be a dull moment, I want to be able to tell God that I used everything he gave me!".

"(My Husband is) my gift from God and my dream come true!! We all dream of marrying someone we are truly in love with, many do that, but it is such a gift when that someone is truly in love with you as well! My husband takes better care of me than my parents have. I have never felt so safe, loved and wanted as I do now. All of this is due to my best friend and hero.. I am a very blessed woman!"
"With the help of my now husband... I am normal and can enjoy a love life. When parents become un-involved they hurt the kids, the kids become numb." "I had my issues with praying, Now I pray at least twice a day with a few sprinkle prayers for others who need prayers and my relationship with Christ is soo good that I actually look forward to the day that I get to see him." "I ask God for soo much and he always provides. He never fails to show me his love, even in the darkest hours and I am so grateful that I know I have a God." "Thank goodness God takes the broken, cause... that's what we are, but to God our brokenness is like a nick on a Ferrari... We are still his beautiful babies and no mater how far we stray, he keeps his hand on our heads and guides us back to him just as we do our children." "I have never wanted to look like another person, I like who I am. Occasionally I have wondered if I was unattractive and then I quickly realize, we aren't supposed to look like other people, we are made to be uniquely beautiful! Society teaches us to see beauty in perfection, but in reality it's the imperfections that I fall in love with! The more imperfect you are the more beautiful you are to me."

If people are fake love them!!~ Love them soo much that the beauty that God has given them comes to the surface! People that act fake are wounded by this world who demands false perfection. God is good, and if given the chance, most people are too!  I am so grateful that I am able to love first and wait to receive love in time, I have had family that is slow to show love, and some that have starved me of it. I love them anyways and am thankful of the knowledge that neglect has given me, I know what its like to be starved, so now I know how to feed others the love they need!  As I walk around strangers at work I find myself praying silently, so many lost, lonely people who light up with my voice and who am I? I am blessed! Blessed to have an opportunity to think of strangers and want for them to feel happiness, even if it is just for a moment 

"Our home burned to the ground... Most likely caused from the air conditioning unit. (My Daughter) and I got out just in time. Thankful for our sweet neighbors who offered help of any kind. My God is good all the time, even in crisis. My real treasures are with me and are safe and that is all I could ever wish for! Neighbors and firefighters rescued my dogs and they are safe as well." "I didn't cry out of shock or despair (the day after the fire) instead I had tears of joy. Sometimes you need to loose everything to see what you missed. I declare myself and my family blessed, Jesus will provide. My family and friends are amazing! I ask God how can I ever deserve or payback for the love we receive, the gift of holding your child in your arms, the safe feeling I have when I hold my husband's hand.. I shouldn't be happy, but right now I am happier than I have been in a long time.. Cause now I truly know what love really means!"

"(I Love my daughter and) Ya know what? I like our new home and the simple life, I don't need nice furniture and antiques, I stopped buying all that after (my daughter was) born. When (she) came along my dreams came true and my heart was filled with joy and my eyes with beauty. (She is) my treasure I would re-live every painful moment a million times just to get to the moment (she) came into my life.. (She is) my strength, my every breath.. Through all of this (she has) been a rock that symbolizes how strong my love is for (her).. No matter what life throws (her), (she) throws back a smile I am so very proud of (her), such a strong person (she is). 

 "(MRI's) This is my worst fear.. The dreaded MRI . (I had one in December 2013) for MS, the tears and sobbing gets pretty bad for me, I end up repenting for all my sins every time.. Nothing turns me into a baby like being trapped (my hsuband went) with me, his voice (reminds) me that I am not in a coffin." "My first MRI diagnosis of MS was wrong, always get second and third opinions!! My second MRI was negative of any signs of MS!!! My symptoms and brain leisons are typical of chronic cluster headaches and not getting any restorative sleep due to Narcolepsy..So Narcolepsy is the cause..Yay!! Best news ever !!! Who knew narcolepsy could cause so many symptoms ??!" "Its my narcolepsy that is causing my symptoms. I am so exhausted that my body has symptoms, such as muscle weakness, spasms headaches and vision changes.. I don't get restorative sleep. When I sleep I only experience rem, my brain doesn't produce hypocretin so my brain never rests.. I dream from the moment I close my eyes to the moment I wake. I'm a busy girl..lol"

"(My husband) stood for 1 hour and gave me a 1 hour foot rub as I sobbed during the MRI procedure, claustrophobia is crippling for me.. How blessed am I?! After all the curve balls life has thrown me, I have my prince charming that loves me. Never have I felt this kind of safety and security. . I never got this in my childhood. I wouldn't change a thing.. I would take the neglect from my parents a dozen times more to get to this place with the man I love♥ Thank you to my parents who left me, your absence made the true love and support I have now immeasurable.. I am thankful to God for all I didn't receive, now I know what love really means .. I didn't miss out on you mom and dad, being and having all the things you weren't and didn't give me is far more rewarding! .. My God is good all the time, my God made me strong and my God held me and guided me to the arms of someone that knew how to love and for that I am so grateful!"

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